everything is fine

everything is fine

…and we got more face pictures, and got to watch him yawn, and got another confirmation he’s a boy. very, very definitely a boy.


also is it just me, or does he look really, really super comfortable in there? That face just says ‘yeah, I’m never coming out thanks’ to me.

smallness, paranoia, cake

I was not being antisocial, I was checking the tide times to make sure we did not get stuck and have to live in a cave or be eaten by selkies.

I was not being antisocial, I was checking the tide times to make sure we did not get stuck and have to live in a cave or be eaten by selkies.

I have tended towards the small side during my pregnancy. Obviously, as I wasn’t even aware anything was different until fairly recently. However I did think that over the past couple of weeks I have got noticeably  bigger. I now have a defined roundness that screams ‘baby!’ rather than ‘fatty!’ At least I think so.

On Tuesday I had my 32 week appointment. My fundal measurement was apparently only 2cm more than last time – I’m measuring 29cm when I should be at least 30, usually between 30-34. I also had traces of protein in my urine, so had to send off a sample and be scheduled in for another scan. I’m not complaining about this because it is fun to see our little ghostfishbaby being all weird in there, and he’s much more active lately so there’ll probably be a lot to see. But it is one of those ‘very slightly’ worrying things where it’s most likely nothing at all, there’s just this ever so tiny chance that something is catastrophically wrong.


Also on Tuesday we went to the beach, and looking at the photos I was bemused to realise my belly did not actually look as big as it does to me.

I miss that curve in my back.

I miss that curve in my back.

For comparison, here is a bump selfie I took at 21 weeks. I’ve grown, but maybe not that much.

I’m spending this afternoon eating pringles, hummus and cake. I haven’t bothered to weigh myself in a long time so I will just assume I am about 50 stone and therefore beyond help.

As a side note I am extremely pleased that my midwife has chosen not to weigh me at any of our appointments. I think I was weighed at the very beginning of the year and since then have not been forced to confront the scales. This is good.

My boss told me I should schedule myself for a C-section now. All I can think of is the story my A level Law teacher told us about the Caesarean birth of her daughter. She told us she was quite out of it from painkillers and then the anaesthetic and it felt like someone had reached inside her and was doing the washing up. This sounds far too surreal to me. I have enough worries with my ridiculous pregnancy dreams. I really hope the baby will not be born via osmosis through the wall of my stomach and then be attached to an umbilical cord growing out of my own bellybutton forever.

pregnancy crazies

I cried this morning because I left my Mocha Frappuccino that Boyfriend bought me as a treat in the fridge at work on Saturday, and I just remembered it and I am sure that someone will have taken it by the time I get in this afternoon. I don’t know why I cried about this. I do really really really really want it though. I’m pretty sure if I get there and someone has taken it I might end up crying at work. Good lord.

The pregnancy story

So, first, how I found out I was pregnant, the principle players, etc etc.

I’m 22 and have been working random jobs since graduating in 2012. Around April 2013 I began seeing an old friend from one of my old jobs, Jaime. It got serious pretty quick. In the summer, I moved back to be closer to my family – around 3 hours away from the city I’d lived in for 4 years and where Jaime lived. It sucked big time. I had a horrible job and didn’t know anybody.

In August, I moved back and started working for the Youth Hostel Association, and living with Jaime and our housemate Susan. We’ve had a crazy couple of months as I needed to get another job just so I was making enough. I’ve been taking the contraceptive pill since I was 15, so pregnancy worries were quite far from my mind. Even so, when I missed a period in September I took a pregnancy test about 10 days after I’d expected it. Negative. OK, no worries – I was stressed, not eating great and it’s only to be expected, right?

Through all of November and December, I didn’t have a single day off. So I was pretty exhausted, and you know, not really thinking about much except working all the time. Like normal, I ran a couple of pill packs together. I felt myself getting a bit bloated, but then, I’d been eating McDonalds more than usual since it was the only place open when I was starving after work, and on most days I didn’t feel like cooking myself anything particularly nutritious. I had a couple of dizzy spells, but like everyone else, thought I was just knackered (which I was). I got into the habit of napping during the day, but hey, if you work from 7.30am almost every morning and only get a few hours break before having to go back until 10pm, you’re probably going to want to nap!

I missed another period in December, and finally started thinking maybe something was a little weird. My normally nearly-concave stomach was getting round and weirdly hard. I poked it a lot. My real overwhelming fear was some kind of tumour. I tried not to think about it too much.

On the day before New Year’s Eve I darted into Superdrug and bought a Clearblue test. Jaime was at work. The vertical line meaning ‘positive’ was very dark. I think I said ‘fuck’ mostly, then called my mum.

A few hours later I went to Jaime’s work and told him. We had a confused conversation because we hardly knew any details. We discussed all our options. Jaime for some reason kept smiling while I felt alternately like crying and screaming. I had my last cigarette then, although abortion was still on the table at that point as we had no idea how far along I was.

After I’d worked my shift (a little bit like a zombie), we went home and talked some more. We thought seriously about keeping the baby. I knew my mum’s honest advice would be not to, although because she is fantastic, she’ll always let me make my own decision. There was a great big logical part of me saying I could not possibly do this, I am irresponsible and often have Skittles for dinner. But another bit thought how it would be pretty great, how Jaime was a great partner, and if we put our minds to it we could be pretty good parents.

The next day I made an appointment with my doctor. I’d expected to have to take another test, but instead, she lay me down and felt around my belly, straight away saying she could feel pregnancy. She told me she would estimate 20 weeks, and if that was right, a termination was not an option. She called the Early Pregnancy Unit to try and schedule a scan to confirm. Later, I got a call saying I was too far for the Early Pregnancy Unit, and instead I’d been referred to the midwifery unit at the hospital.

The midwife I saw agreed with the 20 week estimate. I heard the heartbeat for the first time on the 2nd of January, three days after I found out I was pregnant at all. Then, about a week later, I was scheduled for an ultrasound (the midwife had marked it ‘urgent’…)

On the 11th of January I had my 20 week scan, skipping the normal 12 week one. This confirmed that I was 20 weeks 4 days pregnant. The baby actually looked like a baby, not a peanut. It was also a boy baby, with a spine and a face and everything. Before the ultrasound I’d been told to drink 2 pints of water and hold it, so by the time I was sitting in the waiting room I was really, really needing to pee. The ultrasound technician let me go after seeing my ‘very full bladder’. I pretty much ran. Then we got right back into it.

Ultrasound 2                         Ultrasound 1

This was really the point it became real for me. We’re going to have a baby boy. My due date is the day before my birthday. It’s all real and happening in a few months, which is pretty crazy.